The Uncle Grim
by Thiefinyoursoup
Summary: An angst filled parody of the classic fairy tales.


There once was a king, and this king had a wife. The king's wife, the queen, got pregnant one day and bore the king a daughter. Although the baby girl looked like Neville Chamberlain, without the moustache, everyone in the country who saw the baby girl said she was beautiful. Thus, the queen and king – more the king than the queen – decided to name the girl, "Beauty." The land rejoiced that the girl now had a name, and to celebrate, four fairies came to visit the king, the queen, and their daughter, Beauty. Each of these fairies also brought a gift for the girl so as to impress the king in hopes that he may bless them each with land, money, or some other great boon.

The first fairy gave the daughter the gift of being able to sew grasses into precious metals, as the legend of Rumplestiltskin had been a very popular one at the time. The king was happy with this, as he had always wanted a coat made of gold but never wanted to pay the price it would cost. However, the king also would not give any money to the fairy who had bestowed this blessing upon his daughter either. The king was very cheap.

The second fairy gave the girl a very nice sewing machine that she had made, seeing as great skills would not be rewarded. The king was grateful, as his daughter now would have the device to make his golden coat, but also refused to give the second fairy any money. Instead, he just locked the sewing machine away and had the fairy sent off.

After witnessing the failure of the gifts of the first two fairies, the third fairy felt that the only way she would get any money out of the king would be to place a curse upon the girl. Thus, the fairy cursed the girl saying that she would one day prick herself upon the needle of the sewing machine, and that the girl would die from doing so. The fairy then pricked her finger with the needle of the sewing machine before being arrested by the king for being such a wicked fairy. She also did not receive any money.

The final fairy had witnessed the failure of the three previous fairies and how they had all failed, so she had the insight to devise a completely new approach. This fairy consoled the king that she would place a spell on the girl so that she would merely fall asleep after being pricked by the sewing machine. However, the girl would not wake up until she was kissed by the man whom she was to marry.

Time went by, and the girl named Beauty grew up into a moderately attractive young woman. She also sewed many extravagant coats and dresses and other articles of clothing, though only on older sewing machines. After witnessing the incident of the fairy pricking her finger on the sewing machine, the king had the sewing machine locked into the royal freezer – because he was too cheap to throw the machine away.

Then, one day, the girl had been walking about, when she heard a loud noise come from the freezer. The royal chef had cooked a glorious honey-glazed ham for the royal family and froze the remains to make a glorious ham and split-pea soup in the near future. However, a thief had broken into the freezer and was trying to steal the remains of the ham to feed himself, as well as his wife and six children who had all been forced to starve since they were unable to afford any food since the thief was unable to work due to a deformity of his right arm and affirmative actions for women in the work-place had not yet taken place. Thus, Beauty did her royal duty and administered justice then and there with a kitchen knife, but as she did so, she noticed the sewing machine. It was a very nice sewing machine, and so Beauty felt compelled to make something with it. She saw some grass stuck to the thief's pants, and so she took it and lined it up to sew. However, she was feeling quite cold in the freezer, so she decided that before sewing, she would take the sewing machine out of the freezer and instead sew in the kitchen.

After moving the sewing machine to the kitchen, she found that it was also quite cold, and thus decided to wait for the machine to become room temperature. So she waited, and waited, and the machine became room temperature. But as the girl got ready to sew, she pricked her finger on the needle; the same needle that the fairy pricked her own finger on. Immediately, the girl fell into a deep sleep and made a loud thud as she hit the floor.

A prince who had been visiting that day heard the thud, and decided to go investigate the source of it. However, as he ran through the corridors of the castle, he cut his shoulder on a pike wielded by a suit of armor the king had on display to show his wealth. The prince paid little attention to the injury, but kept on going until he found the body of the princes.

Now this particular prince was also quite lustful, and upon seeing the body of the girl sprawled out on the floor grew so full of lust that he decided to immediately make her belong to him. He caressed her body and began to kiss her, when she suddenly came to. Remembering how her father had told her about the incident with the final fairy and how she would instantly be understood as the wife of the man who woke her up after pricking her finger upon the needle of a sewing machine – as her father felt that a wedding would cost too much money – the girl began to caress the princes as well, starting by rubbing his shoulder and then working her way down until they both found themselves committing the rituals of marriage there in the kitchen.

However, unbeknownst to the girl, her father, the queen or the princess, the fairy who had pricked her finger on the needle had hepatitis. When Beauty had pricked her own finger on the same needle, she contracted hepatitis as it had survived by being kept frozen but was now active again after being thawed. Then, as she stroked the prince's bleeding shoulder, she passed the disease onto him, and once again as they consummated their marriage.

Unfortunately, none of the lot ever found out, and such information would have done them no good, as the medicine of the time was very primitive. Needles to say though, the girl, the prince and the fairy all died miserable deaths, and the only person who benefited from the entire circumstance was the king, who got not just one, but many coats made of gold from the ordeal.


End file.
